Closed RP with [Punched-Hitler]

[make_it_hurt]

He woke up slowly. It was an unusual feeling, to wake to nothing more than his body's own sleep cycle, instead of being woken up by harsh hands and pain. He honestly hadn't been expecting to wake up, sure that he was dead, sure that the bullet they had put in his chest should have killed him.

Instead, Bucky Barnes woke up in a hospital bed, oxygen line hooked over his ears, the steady beeping and whirring of machinery all around him. Everything hurt - his broken ankle, the bruises on his legs from beatings, the lash marks over his back. It is nearly torture to breathe, his chest wrapped tightly in bandages. This wasn't the dark, dank cellar he had spent (as close as he could figure ) six or seven months in. He looked around, head tilting from side to side listlessly, looking for family or a nurse or something.

His attention was caught by his left arm - or, rather, what was left of it, which wasn't much.

Days into his capture they'd started cutting off his fingers, one at a time, and sending him to his mother - to the President - in an attempt to get her to give in to their demands.

Then they'd started working their way up his arm, more as punishment than anything, before infection had set in and they had kept cutting back and back and back in an attempt to keep their bargaining chip from dying.

The stump of his left arm was wrapped in neat cotton bandages and Bucky swallowed hard, lifting his other hand to his lips, feeling them quiver against his fingers.

He finally asked, voice trembling, "Mom?"

She had to be here. She had been there for him his entire life growing up, there every time he got sick, even when she was on the election trail. If she couldn't get to him, they would talk over the internet for as long as it took until he fell asleep.

Bucky looked around, digging his ragged nails into his lower lip. "Mom?" He shifted, trying to sit up, and was instantly caught by the mess of wires and tubing around him. He laid back, blinking back tears.

She came almost at a run, heels clacking, the door swinging shut behind her. "Bucky!" She nearly collapsed onto Bucky's bed, grabbing his hand in both of her own. "You're awake, thank god." She reached forward and ran her fingers through his hair and he was suddenly aware that it was long enough to touch his chin.

He smiled up at her, feeling the knot in his chest ease. Bucky sagged back against his pillows and sighed slightly, letting her rub her thumb over the back of his hand. "I missed you, Mom."

"I missed you, too. Here, are you comfortable? Do you need another pillow?" She let go of his hand and started to fuss with his blankets and pillows, adjusting them around him nervously.

"I'm fine. Tired, but fine." He closed his eyes for a long moment then asked, opening them again, "I'm really here, right?"

She nodded. "You're really here, Bucky." She folded her hand over his. "Get some rest, I'll be right here, okay?" She smiled and watched Bucky drift off again, body falling limp. But it wasn't the same sort of boneless as before, the unconsciousness after being brought in, after all the surgeries. It was the unconsciousness of somebody asleep of their own volition.

She looked up once she was sure Bucky was asleep and stood back up, placing his hand on his stomach. President Barnes crossed back over to the door and pulled it open. "I'm sorry, Captain. Maybe you should come in and we can continue our discussion?" She stepped back.

Bucky drifted awake for just a moment, long enough to see his mother across the room talking to somebody that looked vaguely familiar. Before Bucky could place the face, he was asleep again.

Comments

[punched_hitler]

Steve wasn't bothered by the blood - he'd take care of it in a bit. Although once Bucky had dozed off, he kept an eye on him, making sure he was still breathing all right before he finally picked up his phone and made that call, to get a doctor down here. He was very firm, though, that he'd meet them out in the hall with Bucky - and it was nothing to slide his other arm under Bucky's legs to pick him up and carry him into the hall to meet the doctor, when they arrived.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky stirred when he was picked up, blinking tiredly. His entire body hurt, the ache in his chest luckily just an ache and not a stabbing pain like it had been before. He mumbled into Steve's neck, "Not in the hall..." He didn't want to be exposed, where anybody could see. His vision was blurred from sleep, but he imagined all the people in the hall just standing and staring at him, at the scars on his legs.

The doctor - who was the same height as Steve, though he was more slenderly built - nodded. "Captain Rogers, the President had me set up a small room to act as an infirmary. It's just this way, down the hall." He led the way only a few doors down. The room was obviously a converted bedroom, but it was clean and well-lit and there was an examination table to the side. "If you could set him down on the table..."

Penny, who had followed them to the door, shouldered her way past the Secret Serviceman who attempted to lock her out, sticking close to Steve's legs.

Bucky let himself be put down on the table and immediately reached for Penny, scratching her behind the ears mostly to soothe himself.

[punched_hitler]

"Okay. We'll get you someplace else," Steve agreed, hefting Bucky a little so the scars on his legs weren't readily visible unless someone was looking closely. When the doctor said there was another room they could use, he looked relieved - and nodded. "Lead the way." He carried Bucky as he followed the doctor, Penny following obediently along. She was already a pretty great dog, of that, Steve was sure.

He set Bucky down just as carefully, then moved to the side to let the doctor work. He didn't know this guy - presumably he'd been cleared, but he'd keep an eye on him. Anyone could be anyone with the right connections.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky bit his lip as the doctor settled on a stool and started pulling on gloves. This was a man Bucky had known since entering the White House, who had given him physicals and shots and everything. And still...

Bucky hesitated then asked, "What are you going to tell my mother?"

Dr. Rush looked up. "Legally, I don't have to tell her anything. You're an adult now." He glanced over at Steve, then down at Penny.

"Then she doesn't learn about this." Bucky scratched Penny's head.

"Alright, then." He smiled at Bucky.

Bucky nodded and laid back. It was too easy to just let his legs fall open, exposing himself the way he had done for months. This time, instead of a hot, rough hand, though, he felt cool fingers against his skin. He winced, fingers twisting around bits of Penny's fur. He knew better than to close his eyes so he just stared up at the ceiling, let his self-inflicted cuts be cleaned and bandaged. They weren't deep, or long. But they did cut through a swathe of the tick marks, marring the previously perfect scars

[punched_hitler]

Steve just stood by, giving both doctor and patient some room - but he was close enough to grab, if Bucky needed something (someone) to hold onto. He was also close enough to grab Bucky, if he needed it.

He wasn't sure whether watching or not would be better - he knew Bucky didn't like those scars, so after a minute he opted to just keep his eyes on the room, making sure it stayed secure so that the doctor clean and bandage the cuts. Though he did try to catch Bucky's eye, to give him a look that said he wouldn't tell the president, either. Not unless it became absolutely necessary. And he hoped it never came to that.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky did get his eye caught by Steve but just smiled at him a little. He said, "I'm going to hold you to getting to meet Tony Stark, you know." He curled his fingers around Penny's collar loosely.

Dr. Rush sat back when he was gone, wrapping the bandages around Bucky's thigh. He started to peel off his gloves then asked, "Bucky, I want you to know that, if you're self-harming, I'm obligated to get you help."

Bucky nodded. "I know. I won't do it again, I promise." He sighed and sat up, pressing his knees together.

[punched_hitler]

Steve laughed a little, softly, happy to distract him while the doctor took care of things. "You might regret it," he teased, but if Bucky really wanted to meet Stark, he'd see what he could do. Even Stark had a heart somewhere under all that metal. He just needed to make sure Bucky was stable enough to handle him. "He's a handful." And then some.

He glanced down at the doctor, frowning a little in concern, but actually, he was glad that someone would get Bucky help if he needed it. He'd keep an eye on Bucky, too, but he didn't quite want to say so out loud - Bucky was an adult. He didn't need to be watched like a child. More like a friend. Not to mention an assignment. "Thank you, doctor. We'll take it easy for a couple of days." Maybe Bucky could concentrate on getting Penny settled, to take his mind off everything else.

[make_it_hurt]

Dr. Rush nodded and reached out. He asked Bucky, "Do you mind if I take a look at your ankles while you're here?"

Bucky shook his head and let the doctor take his feet, feeling over the still-healing break and the thick scar on the back of his other foot. He looked over at Steve, "I think he and I might have more in common than you think, Steve."

Dr. Rush looked up from where he was poking his gloved fingers into the sole of Bucky's left foot. He asked, "You get your letter back from MIT yet?" He was obviously smiling under his mask.

"I still haven't gone through them all, but maybe. I don't know if I got in, since I didn't finish my last semester. Ow." He winced and jerked his foot away a little before returning it into the doctor's hand.

[punched_hitler]

Steve's eyebrows rose a little at that - but not really in surprise, more in a way that said he was pleased to hear it. He'd never gone to college, it had never even been a possibility. Bucky had mentioned college applications before, but he'd never gone into overly much detail, and Steve hadn't asked. "Yeah? Well, you let me know when you feel up to it. I can be pretty persistent," he said with a smile. He was sure if he was annoying enough, Stark might give in.

And in the meantime, "We should go through your mail," he said, reaching out and nudging Bucky - carefully, very carefully. "You wouldn't want to miss something important like that."

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky smiled. "Alright." Then he let out a short laugh when Steve poked at him. "When we get back to my room, then."

Dr. Rush ran his fingers over the sole of Bucky's foot and he twitched away, toes curling. "You look to be good to go, at least physically. What are you going to do to take care of your mental healthy, Bucky? You should see a psychiatrist, you know."

Bucky sighed. "I don't want to talk about what happened to me. I don't want to relive it even more than I already do." He sat up, curling his arm around his midsection.

"Bucky..." Dr. Rush looked concerned. Then he gave up. "Nobody can force you to get treatment, Bucky, Not me, not your mother. I just hope you'll consider it. At the very least you can get on some meds." He patted Bucky's knee then pulled off his gloves. "Better go look through your mail. You need anything, you let me know, alright?"

Bucky nodded and got this feet. He winced as his thigh pulsed with pain, but there wasn't enough pain to make him not want to walk.

[punched_hitler]

Steve nodded, smiling a little more - although it did flicker a little when the doctor said how much he'd like Bucky to get help that wasn't just for his physical injuries. Steve wasn't as familiar with mental health care as someone born in this century, but he still knew they had come a long way from calling things "shellshock" and locking people up for having waking nightmares. If they could help Bucky... he wished Bucky would agree to it, even if he understood why he didn't want to ever relive that.

But if he just ignored it... was that really a better option?

Either way, Bucky was obviously ready to go. Steve moved closer, offering something steady if Bucky needed help getting back to his room. He was pretty sure Bucky could walk there, and he wanted to give him the chance if he could. "Thanks, Doc," he said with a smile, waiting until Bucky was ready to go to get the door.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky headed for the door, fingers catching in Penny's collar to keep her close as he headed for his bedroom again. Once there, he settled on his mattress and pulled on his sweatpants again.

"In my desk drawer, the bottom left drawer... There's all my mail." He'd seen it since coming home: the entire drawer was stuffed full of mail - letters and information from colleges, statements from his bank, everything that had ended up with his name on it had ended up in the drawer. And it was a lot of stuff.

[punched_hitler]

Steve followed, not only to give Bucky a little space, but to keep an eye out - he was still on the job, even if there hadn't been any incidents. He wanted to make sure there would be no incidents.

When they got back to Bucky's room and everything checked out, he closed the door, nodding. "Right." Of course, when he got to the drawer, he let out a little laugh as the thing barely opened. "It's stuffed," he said wryly, starting to pull out the envelopes, glancing up at Bucky with a little half-smile. "Want me to sort it, first? Then you can see what you've got to go through?"

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky shrugged, "If you want, or we can go through it together." He sighed and grabbed a blanket, tugging it around himself. It was a comforting weight around his shoulders. "Give me half, at least." He held out his hand.

[punched_hitler]

"Sure." Steve didn't mind lending a hand, he just didn't want to step on Bucky's toes - mail was supposed to be private, after all, even though he hoped Bucky knew he could trust Steve to keep quiet, if need be.

"Here," Steve said with a smile - okay, he didn't hand over quite half, more like a third, but Bucky would have to go through it with just the one arm, so he wanted to take it easy on him. Steve settled himself on the ground, leaning against the side of the bed (it just seemed the most natural) and started sorting: bank statements, official documents, information and letters from colleges, and anything that seemed personal. Everything got its own pile. "You're sure a popular guy," he teased gently; there was a lot of mail to go through, but Bucky had been gone a long time, too.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky smiled. "Yeah, everybody wants a piece of this." He grinned for a moment, sorting his pile into the piles Steve had already made.

Once he was done, he scooped up the 'college' pile. He sorted it out into schools - almost a dozen, all very highly rated colleges.

He only took interest in the MIT pile though. "Throw the rest of it away. It'll have to be shredded, this is all I'm interested in." He started to tear into the envelopes, looking for the acceptance or rejection letter in the huge wad of papers.

[punched_hitler]

"I'll be they do," Steve chuckled - if Bucky was able to joke about it, then that was a good thing. Besides, he hadn't exactly lived under a rock, the past two years. He knew how attractive the people of America found Bucky. And he had no doubt that, with time and rest and his confidence back, Bucky would be charming people all over again. He was still charming, in a strange sort of way, even like this. Steve would like to see it come out more often. It might mean he was getting better.

He couldn't help but watch, curiously, almost as nervous as Bucky might be, as Bucky started tearing through that one pile. He'd never gone to college, but it had been in Bucky's plan, and Steve wanted it to still be in Bucky's plan. He started gathering up the other piles, trying to give Bucky some pretense of privacy, but he was still pretty interested in what would turn up.

[make_it_hurt]

"They have to have taken me, with all this stuff they sent me." He skipped back to the earliest dated envelope and opened that one. Then he grinned.

"I knew it!" Bucky passed the letter to Steve. "I'm in." He started opening the rest - a lot were just information on programs and housing options. "This one says that if I finish my math and science classes, I can start in the winter of next year!"

[punched_hitler]

Steve wasn't about to argue that - but he wanted Bucky to be the one to confirm or deny it.

But he couldn't help it - when Bucky confirmed the good news, Steve reached out and squeezed his arm. Carefully. "Bucky... that's great. I mean it. Really great. You should be pretty damn proud of yourself, buddy." Honestly, just at the moment, it was kind of rewarding to live vicariously through Bucky as he tore through the rest of the information. Hell, Steve hadn't even known him all that long... but he had known him a while. And he was proud. "I hear Boston is a nice place, too."

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky grinned, then flung his arms around Steve in a hug. "I'm so excited. I need to call the high school, find out what I need to do to get the credits. And I should tell my mom..." He clung to Steve. "There's something I wanna do, but you can't tell anybody, especially my mom." He pulled away, rooting through his sock drawer for something.

[punched_hitler]

Frankly, Steve hadn't actually seen Bucky excited about anything other than Penny since they'd met. And so he couldn't argue that this - this was an amazing turnaround, whether it lasted or not. And he looked just as relieved as he did proud - he even gave Bucky a careful (but genuine) one-armed hug, gently, making sure he felt congratulated rather than trapped.

Of course, he was curious the second Bucky pulled away, watching him root through that drawer. "Sure. What is it?" Bucky deserved his privacy, after all.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky pulled back from his sock drawer and unrolled the socks. He emptied them and dumped out several joints from one and a lighter from the other. He looked at Steve nervously, then shrugged, trying to act casual. "Haven't... had one since I got back."

[punched_hitler]

Steve wasn't quite sure what he had been expecting - although, funny enough, he wasn't necessarily surprised. He'd never smoked - well, of course not, he'd had asthma, it might have killed him - and drugs didn't affect him now, tobacco or otherwise (and these looked to be otherwise).

So he managed to stop the slight frown - and just turn it into a slightly concerned look. "One condition, though," he said. "It won't interfere with anything you're taking, will it?" If Bucky was still on pain medication, he wanted to make sure nothing would interact. Growing up with a nurse for a mother, Steve knew that could be bad news.

Otherwise... well. Bucky was an adult. Steve would respect that. It was a celebration, after all. And he'd grown up in the 20s, 30s, and 40s. Everyone had smoked something.

[make_it_hurt]

Bucky shook his head, "No. I'm not taking painkillers anymore." He picked up a joint. "It's just weed." He looked at Steve, putting the end of the joint in his mouth then lit it, taking a small puff. Even almost a year old, it was still potent enough. Thank god for his younger, stupider self who spent serious money on high quality weed. "Old weed, but..." He shrugged and offered it to Steve. "Still good."

[punched_hitler]

Steve shook his head a little - not offended, he wanted to celebrate with Bucky, but, "It's not gonna do anything for me, pal. You'd just be wasting it." He couldn't get drunk or high; instead, he just moved to nudge Bucky's arm with his elbow. "You enjoy it."